The Things I'm Afraid Of...

I don’t like to talk about what I am afraid of, because then it gets stuck in my head and I keep going round and round in circles thinking about it.  I’ve thought about it so much on occasion that I’ve become really panicky and nauseous. I’m afraid of dying.

I hate thinking about it.  It scares the crap out of me.  It’s the whole “What happens?” “How on earth can a person just not BE anymore”… it’s hard to explain.

It’s such an irrational fear… I mean, there is nothing I can do about it!  It’s going to happen of course… it just makes me feel claustrophobic and nauseous and scared.  I do think about it too much.  It crosses my mind almost every day.  I’m pretty sure I am going to need counselling or some sort of therapy eventually to help me calm down and accept it for what it is.  Either that, or as I get older I am hoping the fear will just lessen!

I also have a huge fear of my boys getting sick, like very sick... or something happening to them.  I don't like to talk about that though.

The only other thing I am REALLY afraid of is spiders.  Always have been.  It wasn’t until we moved into the house we are in now, that I saw the second biggest spider of my life.  Literally inches long and frickin HAIRY.  That’s because we live next to a forest.  I ask James to kill any spiders I see, but he won’t.  He just puts them outside on the lawn….(and of course they just walk back in like they own the place!).  I’m not as bad as I used to be though.  If I see a teeny tiny one I will squash it with my hand etc.  The thought of big ones terrifies me though.

The biggest spider I ever saw was when I was in Virginia, US as an Au Pair.  I was sat on the balcony one night looking out the window when something caught my eye… it was moving.  Upon closer inspection I noticed that it was a MASSIVE spider twisting a baby mouse in it’s web.  Turning it round and around.  The spider was the size of a childs fist.  As soon as I noticed what it was I ran away to throw up.  Bleugh.